My underwear smells like fireworks.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I have tasted many bathrooms
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
