I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
