Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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