have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
