I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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