I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You are a genius and a whore.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
