ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
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