I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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