I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
