I want to stick my p in your. b.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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