I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
