Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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