I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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