So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
