I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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