Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
