Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
