I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
