Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
