Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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