"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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