tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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