She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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