I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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