This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
