that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
