my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
