After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
