Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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