Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
