I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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