You're so nebulous sometimes
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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