I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize