Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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