I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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