marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
