your parents love me but you hate me
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
