You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
