My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
