she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
