I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
