OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
