My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
