Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
