Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
