It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
