Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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