her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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