I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
