Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize