I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My vagina is officially offended.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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