Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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