I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
