Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
