Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize