Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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