i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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