rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
