is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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