Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
