I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
