Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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