You really coming over, don't trick.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
