I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
