By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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