the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
