I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
